my friend almost fucking died and it’s completely my fault

i (19M) went to the club with my friends (19F and 20F) last Saturday. 19F has a very low tolerance. she drinks sometimes but not often, i asked her what her tolerance was before we started and she had no idea.

that night she drank 1 soju and 2 new Amsterdam shots, not an amount i could imagine doing anything to anybody. but once we got in there she said “i need to go sit down” and my heart dropped. so i took her hand so she could balance and we sat on the couches. she like passed out on me and was close to unconscious. people kept coming over and giving her water and we were holding her head up and i kept saying “come on, stay up, stay with me” over and over. eventually she stopped responding at all. after that it was a blur. a couple other people came outside with us and people kept telling me to call the ambulance but i was 11 shots deep and hadn’t eaten in two days (i have an eating disorder) and i was so fucking drunk i couldn’t unlock my phone. eventually someone else did it, and my other friend got in the ambulance with her. they didn’t let me in because they could only take one person and i was a guy and also drunk off my fucking ass. i got on the phone with my friend who was with her and she got to the hospital and she ended up being okay. i tried to get to the hospital but i could barely walk and i ended up like passing out and pissing myself on a street corner. i eventually was able to find my way back to the subway and back home but it’s all really blurry and i don’t remember how.

it all just hit me. like just now. she almost died. she almost fucking died. and if i had been the only one there, she would have. i was too drunk to call a fucking ambulance and she was fucking unconscious. i don’t deserve to be alive.