I don’t want to become my mother

I don’t want to become my parents

English is not my first language, so sorry for any mistakes. During my childhood my mother was quite heavily addicted to alcohol. Their addiction shaped my whole upbringing. I had to tiptoe around her so to not upset her. It was tough. But she managed to beat it during my teen years. While I’m happy for her, and my younger siblings, I never really forgave her, but my father did. I hated those years of abuse and constant fear that she would blow up at me for the smallest things while drunk, and she was drunk all the time. Luckily my younger siblings were too young too really experience this, or at least too remember it. Lately I’ve been having a rough time. And I’ve used alcohol as a crutch. I know it is bad, but I didn’t realize too the extent it had gotten until a few nights ago. I was drinking alone, and got quite fucked up, one of my roommates found me puking. This was not the first time I was drinking alone, but it was the first time it reached such an extreme. It scared me, and it scares me even more now, as I’m having my third glass of wine at home. I think I’m following in my mother’s footsteps, and it feels like I can’t do anything about it. And that really scares me. I don’t want to become my mother. I feel like I can’t talk to my parents about it either. The shame would be too much. I can’t put my dad through that again and my mom, after she got sober, would always preach the horrors of alcohol. I just feel the embarrassment, shame and disappointment is too much. I do t really have any friends either that I feel comfortable talking too. It really sucks right now, but I thought I at least should acknowledge it, for my own sake Sorry for a long post or if it brakes the rules, I’m jus searching for some kind of input or help or guidance with this.