Is Alcohol special, or is it just my first love?

In the process of evaluating my relationship with alcohol. Current goal is to completely stop drinking until Christmas, and after that completely stopping binge drinking and only doing so on occasion. (like 6 beers once a week on a Friday maximum, or 2-3 drinks when going out being the goal) We’ll see how that works out, but until then, I have another question…

I haven’t been drinking since last week. I have tried a few other intoxicating substances since then. I’ve gotten high on painkillers and benzos. (not illegally, just leftovers that were prescribed to me in the past). Also tried weed, nicotine and caffeine.

From what I found, the only thing that even comes close to how alcohol makes me feel are benzodiazapines. Opiods made me zone out and sleepy, which kind of gave me a small panic attack. I decided to go on a walk and it actually was very pleasant. It just takes so much effort for me to enjoy them… I don’t want to pass out somewhere on a couch not sure if I’m getting back up again. The high was overall actually nicer than alcohol, but like I said, takes so much effort and concentration to enjoy the shit and I was terrified as fuck to pop any more pills after the percocets I took for fear of passing out and suffocating lol.

Onto weed… similar situation. Obviously a lot safer than Opiods, but also more paranoia and anxiety-inducing. This drug takes the most mental effort for me to enjoy. I gotta find a calm and relaxing environment, do positive self-talking and deep breaths etc before I come down from the initial anxiety shock I get when I feel I’m getting high. It works a lot better at night when I take a few tokes and close my eyes, but I pretty much pass out like 5-10 min later lol. Not a drug I can use like alcohol to make things more exciting.

Nicotine helps with anxiety and calms me down while also making me alert. Getting a ‘nicotine head rush’ is hella unpleasant for me, but I really do enjoy just regularly toking or vaping some nicotine. This is ‘kind of’ a viable substitute for alcohol; I can potentially see myself vaping for a couple hours just watching something, gaming or otherwise chilling. It’s very addictive tho and not fond of the effects on the cardiovascular system.

Caffeine helps me sooth my mind a little bit to a certain extent, though if I drink more I also get pretty bad anxiety. I like an intoxicating substance that I can kind of regulate on it’s own; like when you drink, you come down then you top yourself up. Caffeine you come up and then come down over 6+ hours and it’s really not possible to use it recreationally.

Finally, Benzos are the only thing that are anything like alcohol. They cause zero panic or anxiety when I feel their effects (naturally) but they are also highly addictive, hard to get, expensive and pretty easy to OD on. Alcohol is like a ‘light’ version of benzos in my eyes that is easy to regulate, easily accessible and very familiar. I don’t even know how the fuck I would go about popping Xanax, how often or what kind of high it would give me long term. From my experience, it has very strong relaxing properties but it doesn’t stimulate me the same way alcohol does, which I would describe as a mixture of Benzodiazapines and Cocaine.

I didn’t mention Cocaine initially because I never saw it as a viable option. Some guy told me he micro-doses Cocaine… but idk. Psychologically I think Cocaine would be a good substitute for alcohol but the side-effects, health risks and legal risks as well as cost make it a losing proposition.

So…. after going thru all these different drugs, am I right to assume that alcohol fulfills a special niche for someone like me? Someone that has a lot of anxiety, lots of unwanted negative thoughts and issues regulating mood and just wants something that will make feeling good quick, easy and simple while also not being overly risky to use. …or, is alcohol just the first substance I was introduced to as a young adult and the reason I am so drawn to it is the familiarity alongside the sense of safety and security?

Alcohol definitely did me wrong over the years, but the thought of quitting it for good with nothing to fill that void makes life seem not worth living anymore.