Can you explain what is going on with me

I did something I call death walks I actually did one last week where I dress a certain way go on a walk and hop in cars with random strangers and the dice are rolled whether they’ll kill me or not. I do it on purpose and a few times I’ve been assaulted. What I think it is is an internalized suicidal thing. I used to be outwardly suicidal cut my arms up take pills but I just stopped. I really do hate my life and feel useless. I regularly see a psychiatrist but it doesn’t help and I’m an alcoholic went to rehab many times but nothing works. My history is I was a neglected kid tossed back and forth between families. Was bullied as a kid and that’s how I learned to hate myself. I’m regarded as a pretty woman but it doesn’t mean nothing to me, I weaponize it. Even though I obviously do have a death wish I get mad when they try to kill me but I keep seeking it. I really hate myself and it won’t stop I’ve done everything but murder to destroy my life. Was a prostitute everything I don’t know why I hate myself so much. I have survived a lot but I put myself in these situations constantly. The drink gives me calmness but it amps me up to do self destructive thing but I seek it for comfort. It does relax me and give me relief from my pain that’s why I can’t let it go.