Drinking myself to death

Please no AA dogma. I’m just here to vent. I relapsed about a month ago. I’m a 37 yo man. Combat vet. I struggle daily. Being sober is hard. Drinking is pure hell. Yet I can’t help myself. I can’t show my face at the VA with this self-inflicted bullshit again. They’ve helped me so many times and I’m just too ashamed to go there. I haven’t eaten much. I’ve lost 20 lbs. feel weak. I’m in mild psychosis. I wish the disease would fucking kill me already. If I had a gun I’d do it myself but I don’t have the physical strength to get one.