13 days sober and I’m really unhappy

So, I realised 13 days ago that I was blacking out and getting in dangerous situations far too often and that I was craving alcohol every single day. I would go out for one drink with someone and then go to a pub on the other side of my city so I wouldn’t run into anyone and drink there alone, or pick up a few bottles from my local corner shop and keep the ‘party’ going til I passed out.

I was diagnosed with a liver problem 2 years ago (although I’m only 22) and I fully forgot about it because the social pressure of not drinking for the small amount of time I quit then somehow overrode my cares about my own health.

13 days ago, I finally put my foot down when my close friend had a medical emergency and I was the only person in town who could’ve helped but I was blackout drunk on the wrong train for 2 hours. I showed up completely hammered, got really confused at what was going on, and apparently really scared them although I did help a little. I stayed over (passed out) at theirs and the next morning I had to admit that something wasn’t right.

I also told my boyfriend who admitted to me that he’d told a friend he felt nervous around me when I was drunk as I got a bit mean and uncontrollable (something I didn’t realise). I do feel slightly sad and a little panicked that he told someone that’s how he felt but it did kinda make me realise people really do notice, and that most of my friends just don’t care to say anything as they either have drinking problems themselves, or they didn’t t wanna lose the ‘fun’ person I am when I was entertaining and a crazy drunk.

So, in the past 13 days I’ve been to about 4 birthday parties (why is everyone born in September?) and I’ve just realised Im really fucking boring and also bored. I keep leaving parties at 8-9pm and feeling a bit shocked about how dull they are. Every single one was just ‘let’s get drunk at a pub.’ And no one seems interested in anything I have to say now. I see their eyes glaze over (and a few people literally just walk away mid-sentence) but I also understand I’m super different to hang out with all of a sudden.

Suddenly, I feel like I have a different personality. I’m telling stories and jokes differently, and feeling differently about people (a lot of unexpected distaste for close friends – I hope they haven’t noticed). I think there was a lot of sadness hiding behind the alcohol dependency, and although I’m more productive now, I feel socially uninterested in things and I’m eating way too much all of a sudden.

Also the pressure to drink is immense. Even my own grandfather, who took me to an expensive restaurant recently, was like ‘I’m not paying all this money for you not to have a drink with me!!!’ I was so mad because I had to make up an elaborate excuse about having to be up super early as he just wasn’t having it. Grrrr. Anyway. Is this feeling common? Does it get better?