i recently started drinking, how do i know i like it “too much”?

i’m 28, i avoided it for many years because of an alcoholic family member but i realized recently that i have family members who drink who are not alcoholic!

so i started lately, now i get invited to stuff. it’s weird because this isn’t because im “more social” on alcohol (tbh i feel like im much worse at socializing after drinking because it makes my adhd really bad!)

but now i can only think of when i can next have a drink. i crave that feeling of my thinking finally fucking shutting off.

it’s really strange, i barely remember what happens when i drink but its like a really fun dream where nothing matters. nobody cares how shit i am are socializing because it’s obvious i am smashed 🙂 so the non adhd havers give me more grace

now people have things to say about me other than that im “quiet” or something or basically anything along the lines of them not expecting me to be a fun person

i think of “sneaking” down to the liquor store to drink just so i can feel a little buzzed again (my parents don’t know) but also, it’s not nearly as fun drinking alone, quite frankly it’s kinda boring because i don’t feel it at all other than some poor balance unless i am with others.

honestly i feel really mad because this isn’t the big bad sin it was made out to be for me. it’s just something people do to have fun. honestly i wish i had alcohol earlier because i think it might’ve been a better way to deal with my problems than being extremely depressed about them and trying my hardest to get some mental relief. i could’ve just drank this stuff and gotten it that way and gone about my life.