What the hell is happening (vent)

I (18f) got really drunk yesterday night and it was going so well I was happy and being a bit of a goofy drunk NO signs of any aggression whatsoever until we got to my friends house and we had to be quiet (rightfully so) because her family members were asleep and had work early in the morning and I was speaking Loudly unknowing to my drunken ears (still not an excuse but I actually didn’t know how loud I was actually being) so they told me to be quit and I don’t really remember much I just remember saying I’ll go to sleep and I felt like they were being snappy (they said they weren’t which I believe is true I was just being an ass) and it goes quit as I turn my back and I hear my other friends say “why are you playing Roblox” is a joking way to my other friend who’s house it was and for some reason I thought my other friend said this really loud but he didn’t and I got mad because I thought why wasn’t he getting nagged at for being loud and I did? So I got up and jumped of my friends bed and we are one the second floor so this mad a huge band (which idk why I did but I did) and I got up and ran out of the house (falling down the flight of stairs while I did,which means I made more noise then a whole ass jet plane lol) and I ran and hid in an ally nearby and sat down.10 minutes are going by while my friends are screaming my name outside while I was half asleep on the side of someone’s house,I get up after a while and waddle to my friends drunkenly and all I remember is them screaming I don’t remember what I said or did but I remember I slapped the shit out of my best friend and my other best friend step in and held me down to the ground as I started to scream for him to let me go as I started to pull his hair so he dose the same as my other friend is screaming at us to stop this last like 10 minutes maybe I don’t know as some random people tried to intervene and help but I was so out of it and this guy kept asking me if I was fine and I walk with him slightly as I tell him I’m just drunk and my friends are trying to help me and he doesn’t need to call the cops because it’s my fault we are in this situation. A few more minutes go by as I’m still fighting with my friends (now ex friends) as my one friend calls my dad to pick me up which he did after a few minutes. This wasn’t the first time I did fight when I was drunk I did it once before but that’s because I was mad at my one friend because he accidentally broke my bong but we did work past that slightly,but all the other times I’ve been a really happy drunk even by myself and I’m not pin pointing it to my old friends they did what they had to and it’s my fault and actions that’s did this I just don’t know what to do know because now I have no friends and those friends were like my family and I treated them like shit and I said so much shit I don’t remember I always thought I was a pretty happy person yes I do have anger issues but I’ve never gotten violent and that much of verbal abuse I’m not saying I’ve never used verbal abuse that’s something I definitely need to work on myself because I feel like I don’t know who I am without my friends I just feel like I just exist but not living good it just feels like i actually have nothing to live for and I’m just here if that makes sense.i never meant to hurt my best friends but I did and I can’t take it back and I’m honestly kinda glad they did leave just so I wouldn’t make them deal with me anymore,I’ve never loved myself but I’ve always loved my friends but now I don’t have friends to love who do I love? Who do I talk to? Idk I just actually wish I could do that night all over again and not do anything but I fucked up so bad and I don’t think I could ever drink again but I also love the feeling and I love when I drink and I’m happy and goofy but I don’t want to be angry anymore specially like that no one deserves what I did to my ex friends. So I’m sorry to my friends and they were the best part of my life and were there for me all the time no hate to them I still love them and I just wanted to get this off my chest and I want to be a better person more emotionally mature and actually act like an 18 year old maybe get a job maybe get back in school? Idk we’ll see.