Any insight is welcome

Long story short. Pretty sure I have a problem with alcohol. My immediate family is 5 of us. 2 older brother, my dad, mum and me. My mum died 5 years ago from alcoholism and was an alcoholic as long as I can remember. My dad and brother drink every night. The other brother doesn’t. I have drank from I was around 11/12 but the “normal amount” I am now 28. I’d say the last 2 years it got to the pinnacle for me when I went through a lot of heavy life stuff. I was partying (I don’t and haven’t ever taken drugs) just alcohol.

Anyways iv always had a risky ish or reckless relationship with alcohol and understandably it’s cause me to do alot of things I regret and definitely wouldn’t do sober. I have a high tolerance and will drink to see how much I can take. I never get black out or “messy” I always know what I’m doing and can co ordinate myself it’s more a mental messy in the decisions I make.

I’m in a long term relationship with my best friend and someone I deeply love and a 10 year old child. I decided to cut alcohol out of my life last year and managed 6 months. Then I would only occasionally drink and that’s the way it’s maintained to be. Although it’s creeped in a little more recently.

Basically when I reach a certain level of drunk (mental blackout) I appear normal to everyone else. I do things like reaching out to exes I hate or people I know that I shouldn’t (exes that still want me) it can be a simple text or a call with no want or anything for that person. It’s bizarre.

At the weekend I did this to 2 of them. The one I hate didn’t reply thankfully and the one who I have nothing against (who texted me recently asking should he be happy for me) and I said yes 100% I couldn’t be with someone better did answer.

He got me a taxi to his house. I sat at the bottom of his bed crying about my situation and had a “breakdown” about what’s been going on (court with child’s mum etc) heavy stuff. Said I wanted to be looked after and fell asleep beside him in my clothes. That’s it nothing else happened then I came to my senses at 8am and left and came home.

I haven’t told my partner but I am RUINED with guilt I can’t eat or sleep or function and I don’t want to hurt him by telling him.

I just don’t understand the reasoning behind this in my brain. I guess I’m chasing further dopamine or a rush that the alcohol can’t give me anymore? This was after 6/7 hours of drinking white wine on an empty stomach so any wonder.

I should mention I have a lifelong pattern of trauma and abuse and CPTSD I also struggle with quite severe and constant Dissasociation.

Please don’t comment if you don’t have anything constructive or neutral to say believe me I am already punishing myself.

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