Help me please?

I am only posting this because i am semi tipsy. I occasiionally have a drink theses days (maybe once a month-2 months I was an alcoholic from 16-26 and then went sober for around 7.5 years..cold turkey. Now i rarely drink but i would say after 7.5 years of being sober i was able to only have a few once every few months i would say. (This took years of AA, NA (my friend making me go to meetings and hitting rock bottom multiple times.(Also i relapsed around 8 times so dont feel bad if you are struggling with addiction) At first when i was drinking i would be the life of the party, everyone wanted to talk to me i was fun etc etc. Fast forward from around 16-21 -Then i became an asshole on the booze, consistently having to apologise for my behaviour and making up for it over years. Making mistakes, lying just being a general POS. I went to AA did the steps and for a while i was happy. I would wake up not hungover, able to actually function rather than going to work hungover and unhappy the next day until i had a drink. This wore off eventually even finding new hobies and friends who didnt drink didnt help. I tried boldering, gaming, fitness, i even took a course in Film because i believed these things would make up for what i was missing. Then after around 7-8 years of sobriety it hit me. I was not as interesting, i didn’t have the same drive, i wasn’t as funnty as if i had had a drink. (BTW this was after spending at least $20,000 on therapy, CBT, DBT you name it. I wasn’t shy i could still talk to people and create conversation but it wasn’t the same. I missed drinking. Not in the sense an addict would miss drinking because he needs his fix, but because i felt less as a person. So next step i thought maybe i didnt’t have enough self esteem. My father was pretty much absent, my mother was a tigher mum and i felt i was never enough. (I think this is where i left home and started the drinking in the first place) So that was my next focus. Getting my self esteem back. I would force conversations, ask myself why im shy without drinks etc etc. Obviously reading this post you would realise nothing was working. So. Fast forward 7.5 years. I had some drinks again, i was able to control it this time after years of AA therapy, etcetc. MAYBE once every 2 months i would have some beers…and guess what i felt like myself again. Confident, happy .. the life of the party. I am not stupid, i realise this was not the solution. I didnt want to hit rock bottom again, hurt my family, friends etc. I limited it to once a month maybe every 2 months. I would only have a few but i felt complete. I was aware though. Going back to drinking heavily would lead to a dark dark dark path. So fast forward to today, I stopped after 3 beers, which really feels like nothing compared to my alcoholic days of 2 bottles of wine a night. But im drinking. Im failing my AA sponors, thousands of dollars of therapy and friends. But guess what typing this i feel ok, happy and content. confident and cheeky. Why am i not like this after multiple medication trials, therapy, AA etc etc. I stopped after my 3rd beer today and thought let me ask people out of my circle, AA, friends, family, gaming, fitness. Why is there this hole that drinking fills no matter what, why is it my crux? Before people ask about my relationships ive had 2 MAJOR ones. 1 when i was an addict and 1 when i was sober both lasting aroung the same time. Ive had other relationships but these are the most relevant. You can guess how the one when i was an addict went, and my current relationship is good other than my constant self doubt. If anyone has any sort of connection with this message please let me know, i know most likely this will fade like my buzz, but i hope maybe someone has some advice. Before i end i would like to say, this is not a message to start drinking. Drinking led to some of the worst moments of my life. My behaviour was terrible, i hurt people constantly and i was a general dick. I never want to be that person agagin, which is why i stoppe at 3 tonight, made this message and didnt have any more.

Thanks guys if you read all this way, hope you are all well. AND TRUST ME…DRINKING IS NOT THE SOLUTION, i feel as though i might have romanticised it! i hope not.

Peace and Love to all.

Will