Just got the proof I’m alcoholic – throwaway post

Long story short I’ve been a drunk ever since before college. I’m 28 and I’ve been drinking regularly to get wasted since I’m 17. My first contact with alc was even before that, as early as 4 years old or so.

And mind you, even after I got through a terrible car crash (that ofc happened under the influence), I always managed to stay sober for days, weeks, months at a time.

It’s been 5 years nothing bad happened due to alcohol, except me growing fat. But it’s different this time. I’ve exhausted all my options and I’m just a fat jobless friendless loser.

Everytime I go out I’m reminded by other men that they think I’m trash. There’s no way I can escape being seen as weird and damaged. It would take a miracle at this point.

I’ve tried for less than 48h not even to stay fully sober but to have one beer or one glass of wine a day instead of a 0.7L vodka every 36h (yeah, that’s what my tolerance is now, it’s at least thrice what I drank when I had that car crash back a long time ago).

And I didn’t make it. Just reached the 36h bar and I’m just stuffing myself with food, beer, and wine.

I felt so horribly low energy when I wasn’t drinking (or with that single 0.25L beer) that I could barely move out the house.

Disclaimer, please do not give me however well intentioned advice about therapy, rehab, or medication. These I have all tried (and am still in both therapy and outpatient rehab) and it’s done close to zero. People with stable lives won’t ever get what’s like to be like I am. And it creates a distance in person. I also went to the ward. I did more than a dozen different jobs. I tried hobby groups, sports, whatever.

At this point I know I’m an alcoholic because I can’t feel “normal” without it. And it’s pretty certainly the only thing keeping me alive at this point.

If you read any of that, please don’t get nasty for no reason in the comments. I’ll delete this crap soon anyways. Just had to let it out all raw and unfiltered because nobody I know irl or ivl knows how bad it really is.