Alcohol, abuse and marriage in Malaysia — my story as a foreign wife

My story: I married a Malaysian Indian man with a serious drinking problem

I’m a foreigner who married a Malaysian Indian man five years ago. He was born into a Hindu family, his family later converted to Christianity, and he became Muslim in 2008 while he was dating a Muslim woman.

When I married him, I thought he was just a social drinker. He also promised me that he would stop drinking after I became pregnant with our child.

That promise remained just a promise.

Over the years, his drinking gradually became worse. Many of his Indian friends also drink heavily, and alcohol seems to be a very normal part of their social circle.

I fought with him about it many times. At one point, I even went to the shop where he bought alcohol and told them that he was Muslim and still drinking. I was angry, frustrated and desperate.

I even contacted JKM and YB Dato’ Sri Hajah Nancy Shukri, the Malaysian Minister of Women, Family and Community Development, because I started feeling that this was bigger than just my own family. I wondered why alcohol, including illegally sold alcohol, could be so easy to obtain when drinking-related problems can have such serious consequences for families.

But nobody came to help us.

One day, my husband experienced chest pain and I brought him to PPUM. I spoke to the doctor and showed him a picture of the beer my husband regularly drinks. The brand contains a very high alcohol content. I was shocked when I realized how strong the alcohol was.

There have also been incidents of physical abuse, and I have called the police several times.

Eventually, last month, I contacted an NGO. They connected me with a shelter/safe house that has been helping women, teenagers and children for around 30 years.

The staff there told me that they have seen many cases involving both Malaysian and foreign women whose husbands or partners have drinking problems and become abusive towards their wives or children.

This experience has completely changed the way I look at alcohol and relationships.

I am not saying that every Malaysian Indian man drinks or that every drinking problem is connected to ethnicity. I am talking about my own experience and the social circle I have personally encountered.

Of the seven of my husband’s friends that I know well, only one does not drink heavily. The others have drinking habits that concern me.

One thing that shocked me was hearing one of my husband’s friends’ mothers tell her son’s girlfriend: ‘If you want to marry my son, you have to accept that we are drinkers. There is no such thing as divorce.’ Three of her children reportedly have serious drinking problems, despite having completely different careers

So my advice to anyone dating or considering marrying someone who drinks is: please don’t assume that someone is “just a social drinker.” Look carefully at how often they drink, how much they drink, what happens when they are drunk, and whether they can actually stop when they say they will.

Promises are not enough. Watch the behaviour.

I wish I had understood that before I got married.