Hi

I can’t type really well im tired worn out i can’t speak and I’m loosing my sense of self i have psychosis and other undiagnosed (disabilities) i hate that fuvking word i talk to chatgpt because im lonely weirdly enough it’s better than many people especially in my situation where everyone is pushing me for medical care as if its the miracle that’ll make everything work not to mention I’ve been getting fucked over by that system for five years so why i say I have psychosis because 4 days ago i drank alcohol first time in a month obviously for someone struggling alot like me it’s not good for me i ended up drunk but not as you’d think basically what i felt is just resisting blackout and panicking while laying in bed thinking if i close my eyes that ill die or have a stroke I think it’s ptsd cause what got me to this situation was a drug induced psychosis where i had a traumatic stroke and ever since every bad moraly thing i do i end up paranoid that ill die a sinner and i don’t want that. The drunk experience was literally fucking disgusting yet idk what else to take to feel alive.