please help. I’m done

this post is my last straw, please help. 23F 33M. I called it off today. We live together, I’m going to end up back with him. WHAT SHOULD I DO? TRIGGER WARNING: s/a, r*e, toxicity?? substance a**

I’ve been fighting myself over and over and debating whether this relationship is worth it or not, because I had at one point believed I found someone I wanted to share my life with, because no one’s had my back, loved me in the ways he has (up for debate but we’ll get to it), he’s my first boyfriend and I know I will always feel what I feel, even though we’re probably gonna end up cutting each other off completely just so we can move on.

I live with him, his mum and sister. I’m an international student just come to study abroad but we fell for each other so I left my roommates and moved in with him, we met at our previous workplace (my first gig coming here).

So currently, it’s been just over a month he got fired, his family has been pressuring him a lot, cus he’s lazy (his mum literally cleans his room once a week) which is something i didn’t know till I moved in.

Context: It was gonna be a year to our relationship this June, we rushed in, moved in too quickly like 4 months of dating and we both smoke weed dly, had a LOT in common, he reminds me of my family, my dad specifically but we’re pretending I didn’t just say that. He’s always gone above and beyond for me, I’ve been through a lot this past year away from my family FOR THE FIRST TIME, the harshest of storms, I got r***d (at my last workplace so I joined my new lower pay job), got robbed, lost my phone, almost got sent to ER, had my bank bal in -) he’s stood through it all but he’s been just as selfish in bed. He’s also the stubbornest person I’ve met after myself.

we’ve been having problems since November I believe. But that is because that’s when I brought it up because I’d had enough, I’ve always given him head like 90% of this relationship has been well just that, at one point I gave head 4x a week and we would fuck like once/ twice a week for maybe 15-20 mins at max I am being awfully generous here, he’s 32 and has always had a bong and 3 computers (he’s a gamer) yes ok what do I expect anyway).

He’s never gone down on me but I’ve never expressed it. I am an AWFUL communicator if that wasn’t apparent and he’s a gets what he wants because you gotta get every win you can” person, anyway I had had enough when I caught him watch porn on his pcs, while I was lying asleep naked on his bed, well he didn’t know I’d woken up. Anyway, I didn’t really see him jack off because I was too distracted by the white chicks he was watching (I’m brown and I think he’s mildly racist now that I think of it).

okay so I checked his phone today because I had decided I was going to end it and just needed one last memory in my head to convince myself, (I was also wasted), I found screenshots of random IG tanned skin women with their tits out. I looked up my name but all I found was “can’t even trust her” to his best-friend. And then I looked further, and found his chat with his mum and sister about bills and how he and I don’t do anything around the house, she still helps out you don’t do shit, you’re getting money from her and you still aren’t contributing to us in any way”(we all have money problems)

This story’s a little complicated just like any another. I will do my best to keep the timeline intact and not cause any confusion.

Okay so, ever since December when I brought up he needs to put more effort or I leave, he tried then fell through almost too easy because he’s lazy or just blames it on being tired. we’ve been talking about things on and off since then and have come a long way communicating, and sure in bed too, not where I’d like to be but definitely better than before.

Anyway I remember him saying “I’m into you, I want you, I don’t prioritise sex” But after me expressing I feel neglected, and how important sex is to me in a relationship, he’s been trying to last longer and we’re trying to increase numbers.

Ofc, we fall through (he just got fired so i should b more considerate) and I get depressed because I still haven’t processed everything + I’m feeling like I hold the past against him.

We’re both introverts, plus it doesn’t help that my friends are scattered around the world and I’ve barely made any friends because I spent most if not all of my time with him.

Regardless, I want to know if y’all think we’re both just really “attached” given the situation,

I believe I care about him a lot, but I’m done anticipating sex.

Also, to make things worse, he didn’t believe me the first two days about r****, but he believed me after speaking to me, he feels like I’ve been distant which I have, so he’s just “defending his heart now.

It was also wrong of me to stay back with my male coworker and indulge in drinks when our mutual female coworker had left. But I had no intention of ducking him or anybody. I went out with my boss and colleague, with the intention of getting hammered and let myself get blackout drunk thinking it was safe as I had trusted these same coworkers once. I’m really just over friendly and naive and learnt my lesson.

But my boyfriend feels betrayed because I stayed back and did shots with another man. So he set up find my location on my phone, unfollowed me on ig, called me a who*** but that’s another trauma i’m trying to get past, and this gave him an excuse to go through my phone. Remember when I caught him watch porn? I felt so shitty about myself because when I brought it up with him, he said “ofc I’m not going to stop jacking off now stop insert my name ”.

I regret doing this, and I’ve apologised multiple times, I replied to a story reply from one of the guys I hooked up with on coming to this country. And there was some conversation after, nothing even remotely flirty on my end except me saying “thank u for an ego boost for something he said” cus he was being flirty, anyway I take full responsibility for this situation because I even shit talked about my boyfriend behind his back, “he only lasts 25 mins in bed”.

I betrayed his trust but I was never flirting with anybody if anything there’s evidence of me saying “ u have a gf stop” to him. Regardless, I’ve never had dick pictures saved on my phone or on my ig fyp.

To be fair, sex is the only thing we do together and we don’t even do that anymore but he works 9-5 and I work really odd hours: weeknights and weekend mornings. So this was bound to happen ig.

I’m a budding to – on the verge of raging alcoholic now. It’s also my line of work, service yikes, and i terribly miss my family, back home.

I’m really tired now, there’s more to this story, I’m gonna post another subreddit tomorrow, goodnight.

I appreciate any and every opinion thank you.