horrible, intrusive, and suicidal thoughts while drunk

for context ive been drinking since 16 and now im 19 drinking a pint of vodka or more a night. Just recently this year ive been having extremely painful intrusive thoughts of the worst things possible. I stopped drinking for 4 days and experienced sadness and brain fog like i never have before.

i might not be explaining this that well but i just want to be okay but if i dont drink im bad and when i do drink i have horrible thoughts of things i cant even explain.

I dont want to feel like the only one whos ever been through this, if anyone has any similar experiences to share it would be appreciated.