30f, Dont’t drink often but only feel true happiness when drunk

I am wondering if anyone else experiences this. I currently don’t feel like I have an alcohol “problem” or dependency because I don’t drink often. Largely because my hangovers are so crippling bad when I bringe drink. So I probably only binge drink at most once a month, and rarely have any drink ls otherwise. But in these moments I binge drink, I feel SO GOOD. I never experience the same degree of self-love, or hope for the future, or exhuberance in the moment, as I do when I am drunk.

I am 30f and have suffered from clinical depression for decades. Also, narcolepsy. With medication I can get through the day-to-day but never feel like I’m “thriving”. In the moments I am drunk and dancing/enjoying the feeling, I feel so much peace and bliss and acceptance.

I’m grateful that this hasn’t resulted in me depending on alcohol regularly but also sad that I feel like I can’t match this happiness sober or appreciate and accept my authentic self soberly. Guess I’m just wondering if anyone else relates or has solutions. I wish I could experience the freedom and happiness and motivation I feel in the moments I’m riding a buzz, but when I’m sober I’m always just in “get through the day” mode. I have seen a therapist for several years and this hasn’t helped much so maybe I need to find a new one. I know I probably suffer from unwarranted poor self-esteem and maybe that’s why alcohol makes me feel so much better—it’s the only time I don’t doubt myself. The next day is a different story lol…..