Hangover Calculator

As I lie in bed, wondering if I will barf and embarrass myself at the future in-laws’ house, I’m wondering how the hell I used to do a keg stand and live to tell about it.

More importantly, how did two tall citrus ales get me here? I used to blink at a 6-pack of light beer and it was gone, never a pain at all. So like any other regretful behavior, it could be fun to math my way out of it ever happening again.

72oz x 4.2% Abv = 302… in an hour, so x 1 for a simple baseline and keep it at a 302 hangover score from drinking a Bud Light light 6-pack.

40oz x 6.5 Abv = 260, but in 45min, so let’s x by 1.33 = 347, from the two tall ales in a shorter window. Higher hangover score, so there we have it, math validates the nausea.

In this case, I followed it with a half pint of ice cream. Going into this basic bar meal and drinks, I hadn’t consumed anything all day besides a pancake and excessive coffee, following a 13hrs drive and only 4hr sleep, which included an elevation change from 495’ to 4,094’.

Before I try to quantify all of those other factors, which were clearly the result of this nausea more than anything else… plus it’s been 15 years since my drinking prime… I’m wondering if a simple Liquid Volume x Abv x Time is actually fair in assessing how drunk one might be at any given time, under comparable circumstances (basically omitting the above paragraph), and could actually predict how a future hangover might feel.

My body composition should be irrelevant, as anyone could apply the Hangover Calculator for shorter term comparisons… month to month at most, never to compare with benders from a distant past.

Can we quantifiably predict the results of our debauchery?