I am feeling ashamed and worried

Basically I was drinking 5/6 days a week, and to be honest at it’s worse it was every day. I drank around 70 units per week at it’s worse. I decided on March 2020 before my daughter came that I would ensure I had several days no drink, and only a max of 30 units per week. That was a number I was happy with as it would only be three bottles of wine a week, 4 days off no alcohol.

Anyway it got better and now since March 2020 I have drank around 20 – 25 units per week, and most of the time I only drink once a week, which was fairly easy to do, no huge problems as I had a routine to stick too. Now when I’m off work at Xmas my routine is different and I hate it because I can drink more, so I will probably drink more this week and I know that’s because I am on holiday. It’s giving me the fear of life Incase I go back to that and I hate it, I hate it so much because then family always say ” Why are you not drinking ” and get asked why, and the answer is, I’m not drinking on this day because this is a day I don’t drink every week. I don’t drink (Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday or Sundays )

I don’t want to feel this way, but when I drink, it’s too enjoy relaxing in my own free time, in my house safe and sound, not out on the town getting smashed, I am passed all that.

So yeah I feel really crappy and shaming myself constant about it. I am a big guy, 260 lbs and 6 foot. My limit in my head is basically 15 units, so like 5 pints ish, any more and I am on verge of being overly drunk and again I try avoid that.

I know I had a problem at one point, but I stopped easily, and I think I’m very aware of it, so don’t like to ever give myself permission so I have become extremely vivilant about when I drink. I generally miss work as I have a nice routine of getting up with my daughter in the morning, but as my wife is off there’s no real routine so I just want to try and treat it like any other week, drink my three days a week and not the other 4