Blacked out

I’m posting because I really want to hear from people who have experienced something similar, especially anyone who has been the partner on the receiving end.
I don’t drink often, and I wouldn’t describe myself as someone who drinks regularly. But on some occasions when I have drunk enough to black out, I have behaved in ways that I would never behave sober. Unfortunately, this has happened several times.
I recently lost my boyfriend after the most serious incident.
I have almost no memory of what happened. I only know what I did because I woke up to messages and had to piece everything together afterward.
Apparently, while I was blacked out, I said extremely cruel things to him, including very mean and hurtful things about him and his family. I also hit him and left him alone on the street around 3 AM when he had no way home. He had actually come to take care of me, and I ended up treating him horribly.
This wasn’t the first time I had behaved badly while blacked out. It was the fourth time something like this had happened. The previous time was last October, and my boyfriend had already given me another chance after that.
I knew that something was seriously wrong with the way I behaved when I drank to the point of blacking out, but I still let it happen again.
He eventually told me that he doesn’t deserve to have an abusive drunk girlfriend and blocked me everywhere.
I know what I did was wrong. Being blacked out doesn’t erase the fact that I hurt him, and I’m not trying to use alcohol as an excuse.
What I’m struggling with is reconciling the person I am when I’m sober with what I apparently become when I’m blacked out.
I loved this man deeply. We had been together for years, talked seriously about marriage, and I genuinely thought we were going to have a future together. I never wanted to hurt him.
But knowing that I said horrible things about him and his family, hit him, and left him alone when he was trying to take care of me is something I don’t know how to process.
The fact that I can’t remember the worst parts makes it even harder. There are things people have told me I did that I genuinely cannot picture myself doing. It’s terrifying to know that I was capable of hurting someone I loved and then waking up with almost no memory of it.
I’ve decided that I don’t want to drink anymore. I don’t want this to ever happen again, regardless of whether I ever get another chance with him.
But right now I’m carrying an enormous amount of guilt and regret, and I don’t know how people come back from something like this.
So I want to ask people who have actually experienced it:
If you were the partner who was hurt by someone during a blackout, what was it like for you?
Did you ever forgive them? Did you ever believe they could genuinely change? Did you stay, or did you eventually have to leave?
And if you were the person who blacked out and said horrible things to your partner and their family or physically hurt them, how did you live with yourself afterward?
Did you ever manage to forgive yourself without minimizing what you did?
I’m not looking for people to tell me that I wasn’t responsible. I know I was. I’m looking for people who have genuinely been in these shoes and can tell me what happened afterward.
I want to know if people can actually change after something like this, even when the damage is already done.
This makes the distinction clear: the problem isn’t that you drink frequently; the problem is what happens when you do drink to blackout, and that it has happened repeatedly.