alcohol handling

hey guys- this is a long one so be prepared

so abit of context im a teenager(17) and female who drinks alcohol with my mates, in a very typical teenage way. i have strict parents so im not allowed to drink and my parents do alot of things that prevent me from being able to buy or do things i shouldnt be doing but i always find a way. i also smoke weed but my issue is about alcohol. i also have bad mental health and feel like i have for a long time, its hard for me to change myself when sometimes i struggle to the basics like getting out of bed and showering so fixing this problem is very hard for me. i cant remember the last time ive honestly had a good relationship with myself or have done anything productive.

basically to put it short, whenever i drink, i become quite annoying to the ppl around me, i constantly exceed my limits and always feel like im not drunk enought untill i black out basically. my friend (who i drink with alongside other ppl) has noticed this and has tried to put limitations on me as he shud bc i go to far with it. the problem is that i do very embarrasing things when im drunk and end up begging for more alcohol when i have had enough. i always feel like i need more drink to feel something and if it was up to me, i wud be drinking 10x more than what my friend lets me too bc i go to far. the thing is whenever im out with my friends, i am way to focused on alcohol and have an obbsession with drinking as much as i can and will just end up begging my mate to let me have more or doing rlly embarrsing things. this also puts my friend in a bad situation having to constantly take care of me whenever i get to drunk and keep his eyes on me(which is basically every time). i am quite restirtced from going out and my parents r very strict(im indian) so whenever i am actually able to go out, alcohol seems like such an amazing big thing that i obsess over in the moment and get to drunk. no one else around me is as obbsessed as me even tho we all love drinking and smoking and its only me that becomes crazy obssesed with the bottle.

me and my friend have had serious conversations about this and we have both agreed that i do have a problem with it because whenever i set myself a goal to just have a casual drinking session and not get too drunk, i can never control myself and go to far and always regret it when im sober. i am very self aware of my problem but when i am in the moment and have my hands on the bottle, every bit of awareness and control completley goes out the window. i honestly turn into a different person when i am able to drink. i am usually pretty self aware and considerate and am more introverted and never wanna be an inconvience but when i drink, im the opposite of all those things. whenever i do get to drunk, it is not even fun, i just feel like shit and end up doing rlly bad and embassraing things and wake up barely remembering what happened. i feel as tho i have nevr had an actual good experinence with alcohol, mainly bc of my own self.

I have tried to have casual drinking sessions several times and tried to control myself but the second i feel the alcohol in my system, i just want more and dont even care about having a fun social time out and experience. my friend says he thinks i abuse it abit and idek why, maybe partially bc its hard for me to get my hands on it so whenever i can, i just go crazy. i am abit this way with weed but ive been smoking it for longer and yes i do obbsess over it, but i can handle it very well and no harm is done to anybody except the damage smoking does to my body so overall theres no real social consequence. however, the alcohol l issue makes me look like an actual fein and beg and act like a fool

My question is, how do i stop being this way? and i know alot of you are gonna tell me its best to stop but tbh i dont wanna hear that bc im not going too cuz i still wanna enjoy drinking and have fun but i just need a way to be able to control it better and stop obsessing over alcohol and just be able to have a good time without needing to be absoloutley hammered. i rlly dont wanna be the way i am anymore as the issue goes beyond just me.

thank you so much for reading and any advice you have, its much appreciated.