Found something under a guy’s bed. I should’ve minded my business.

About a year ago I met a guy who worked across from my bar. One night we got BLACKOUT drunk and I stayed at his place.

Next morning I’m looking for my phone and check under his bed… and find a giant realistic rubber sex toy. I stared at it for a solid minute like ?????? I immediately told my best friend and coworkers because I thought it was the funniest thing ever.

Now here’s where I lose all ability to defend myself.

I hung out with him AGAIN, got drunk AGAIN, slept over AGAIN. We didn’t even hook up. Next morning I drank two of his beers, looked under the bed… and stole it.

WHY? I genuinely don’t know. I think I wanted to show my friends. I’m not proud of this.

My friend picked me up and held onto it for two days. Then, for reasons I’ll never understand, she CLEANED IT.

Guys.

Old stuff started coming out of it.

We just stared at each other like WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

After that it somehow became the main character of my apartment for a day. My brother thought I’d lost my mind, friends came over and almost threw up, and the smell was basically biological warfare.

Then two weeks later this man called me talking about MY drinking habits.

SIR???

Months later I ran into him and he goes, “Did you show all your friends?”

Reader: yes. Yes I did.

Anyway I barely drink anymore and I still randomly remember this story and think… what the hell was actually wrong with me?