I think indrink because I’m scared to alone with my thoughts

I think I drink because I’m scared to be alone with my thoughts

I can’t seem to stop drinking.

I’ve already done two medically supervised detoxes at home and somehow I still keep ending up back here. I think part of me expected the detoxes to “fix” things, but the second I’m alone with my own head again it all comes flooding back.

This all started spiraling after my divorce. The betrayal, the loneliness, the feeling of suddenly not mattering to someone you built your life around. I never really dealt with it properly. Drinking became the only thing that could shut my brain off for a few hours.

And then recently my house got broken into while I was home alone. I ended up locked in my toilet on the phone with emergency services while people were inside my house. Hearing police outside, hearing movement in the house, just sitting there trapped waiting and hoping nothing worse happened… something about that completely broke whatever sense of safety I still had left.

Ever since then sleep has been hell. My body is exhausted but my brain won’t switch off. Every sound at night makes me alert again. Drinking stopped being about fun a long time ago. Now it’s honestly me trying to knock myself out enough to sleep and not think.

I know alcohol is making things worse long term. I know it’s feeding the anxiety and depression. But when it’s 3 AM and your chest is tight and your brain is replaying everything and you’re sitting alone in a silent house, it stops feeling that simple.

I’m in therapy. I’ve done detox twice. I’m trying harder than people probably realize. But I still keep ending up back at alcohol because for a couple hours it makes me feel less terrified, less empty, less alone.

I’m tired. And honestly I’m scared that I’m running out of strength to keep fighting this cycle.

If anyone here got sober while dealing with trauma, panic, loneliness, or after something happened that made you stop feeling safe in your own home… how did you survive the nights?