I think I’m on the verge of becoming an alcoholic

So, as I’m having a couple drinks right now I feel the need to let out some of my thoughts regarding my relationship to alcohol recently. (not posting this on r/alcoholism because i guess this breaks the rules…)

Before summer last year I would have considered myself a casual drinker – for some context I’m in university – so I would go out on the weekends and get considerably drunk, but other than that apart from a few times a month I wouldn’t drink alone. This all changed when i discovered weed ahhh yes weed. So for a while I stopped drinking because I finally had access to cannabis, and I love it – still love it. However, it became a problem when my flatmates noticed i began to smoke almost every night – which occasionally turned to day smoking. After starting to smoke weed I went home for summer and realised I couldn’t keep up the habit at home as I didn’t want my parents to find out – then comes the unhealthy drinking. I wouldn’t say I drank every day but I noticed my habits with alcohol had changed, I started drinking alone, which arguably I have had better times than drinking with others, however it was a difference from the casual drinking of my first year of uni. So, summer ends, I go back to uni and of course I start smoking weed again (also didn’t help that my relationship of the time was a heavy smoker), from september to december I was probably the most addicted I had ever been to anything. There were some days I could go without it, mostly it was just a night time thing, but If i didn’t smoke at night I didn’t feel satisfied with my day. So, Christmas comes, I go back home knowing I won’t be able to smoke – I start drinking again. My parents found out that I was smoking weed anyway because they could smell it on my clothes, anyway I told them I would stop however I was still drinking. I came back to uni, have still been smoking on and off this year but I have been in some sort of cycle where for a few weeks I smoke, and then the next few weeks I drink – because maybe subconsciously I feel as though this can prove that I don’t have addiciton – obviously wrong.

It’s been a few weeks now since I last smoked and I’ve turned to drinking again. Again, I don’t drink every single day but maybe 5 out of 7 days a week, and this can range from getting absolutely shitfaced (one night a few weeks ago i drank nearly an entire bottle of vodka and that was enough to make me want to quit – worst hangover of my life), or I can have a few glasses of wine a night and be content. obviously I didn’t quit as I wouldn’t be writing this, I lasted 5 days and then I went on holiday with family and of course the pressure to drink kicked in.

I’ve also realised that when I drink i think that although I can get shitfaced, I usually make sure that I’m drinking water between every couple drinks, and having a big meal beforehand. Not sure if anyone relates to this, obviously that is a common protocol when drinking, but possibly not for most alcoholics?

Also some extra context – my Dad is a severe alcoholic – non functioning. I’d thought that his relationship with alcohol would have scared me away from it but it seems to have been the opposite. I know i should probably go to therapy or seek out some help. I don’t know if any of this is a question but just wanted to get my thoughts out there. Also final piece of context, I suffer from social anxiety which could possibly be due to autism – which I’m aware a lot of autistic folk feel like drinking can let them be free from masking for a while, which I think adds something to my case. Anywho I hope everyone has a lovely evening!

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