I don’t know if this is bad

Hi friends, so I’ve been sober curious probably since I was 18 and I’m 26 now. I’ve been on the far end of the spectrum a few times, where substances were destroying a lot around and in me. Now its not as destructive as it used to be (I’ve been wanting to find moderation) but I’m worried the potential addict in me just found a way to be smarter about altering things, where it’s something more sustainable now. Which kinda worries me more than the dramatic stages where I was abusing blow and blacking out/finding myself in dangerous situations because of alcohol. Here’s my average day: wake up take my prescribed 20mg of adderall, vape, drink two coffees. I go to work, vape, coffee, and sometimes 10mg of prescribed adderall. Off work some nights I go to have 2-3 drinks(this is not often maybe 2 nights a week and usually have a boundary where I don’t drink the night before I work. I broke this boundary a few days ago. It felt awful) every night I smoke weed and vaping from morning to night. I also had about a two year break from blow but did some on 4 occasions in the last 4 months. I preform well at my job but I know I could do better. I preform well as a person but I know I could do better. I don’t know if I’m just bargaining with myself by almost being ignorant to if this is bad or not. I almost feel like I need someone to tell me to stop or tell me “it’s bad, let it go”. I want to let it all go and be free of this betrayal I feel towards myself when I break boundaries with myself. It’s just hard because I also don’t want anyone to notice or ask if I’m sober if I’m trying to get sober. It’s already so devastating within myself when I fail with trying to be sober that I don’t want anyone else making me feel worse(even if they didn’t, I feel so awful when I do it that I know I will take any reaction as something to overthink) when and if I start using shit again. I already disappoint myself with it, I don’t want to disappoint people holding me to the expectation of being sober and then I have a weak moment. I tried to go sober in May and didn’t say it to anyone and it made it easier to go back into it all because no one had any expectations that I wouldn’t use substances(no one knows about all the substances, I have a history of hiding usingdrinking in the past). I also seriously don’t know if the adderall is okay, it helps me focus and actually makes me a functioning person but I also now grind my teeth, have jaw pain, and can’t stop sucking my teeth. I’m also, again, always in an altered state(drunk,high,wildly caffeinated), usually haven’t ate enough or slept enough (6 hours if I’m lucky) so I feel like I can’t say if it’s the right medicine for me. I don’t know if I’m just overthinking all of this or if I’m an addict. Would love to hear any thoughts. TIA xoxo