I find freedom in alcohol

I’m in the house all the time and I feel caged, even when I go outside sober I feel anxious and not like myself. I’m tired of feeling this way and if it means I have to forfeit everything just to feel free then I will because I’m unhappy anyway. At least I have a higher chance at feeling happy while drunk. Dude gets me into a relationship with him but barely sees me. Say I want to break up but he begs me not to. I have a friend but even though she goes to bars and drinks she wants me to stop going to bars and drinking when it’s my only outlet. She knows certain things that happen to me are the source of my sadness but I’m not allowed to express myself. Fine I’ll just drink anyway and walk the streets of downtown alone then. Grandpa wants me to stay in the house so nothing bad doesn’t happen to me, well i don’t care. I’m sober now and see how unhappy I am? Well the only way this can change is if I say fuck it and pick up the bottle and leave the house then I meet interesting strangers who don’t mind actually listening to me. I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want to do without restrictions and I’ll deal with whatever consequences but what I’m not gonna do is sit around here miserable just because everyone else wants me to. I don’t want any meth heads near me either so I will avoid them especially weirdo flakey men. I’m just being honest with myself and how I feel.