Mr. Layman’s Booze Chronicles!
Alcohol is one of the most socially widespread substances, and it has been a part of human culture for millennia. The reasons are pretty obvious. If you’ve ever had a drink, you’ll notice that alcohol makes you “better” at many things, like chatting up girls and believing you can leap down more stairs than you realistically should.
Whether it’s at a party or you’ve responsibly waited until you hit the legal drinking age, most teens and young adults are pumped for their first drink. But here’s the kicker: your first drunken escapade is often the least memorable. Plus, many folks have bad experiences with specific types of booze, leading to bold claims like, “I’m never touching vodka again.” You might believe it at the time, but that’s your sober brain talking; your future drunk brain won’t care.
New drinkers often worry they’re drinking too much and don’t want to pick up bad habits. A friend of mine thought she had a problem because her family kept giving her liquor store gift cards. But don’t worry when people buy you these gift cards; start worrying when they stop.
One downside of alcohol is its cost. Another is that it makes you not care about spending money. Luckily, one of the upsides is that you might forget to pay for things. So, you win some, you lose some.
When drinking, it’s essential to be aware of your intoxication level, which someone might ask you about to gauge the group’s state. A 3 out of 10 means you feel a small buzz. A 6 to 7.5 out of 10 is the Goldilocks Zone, where you feel charismatic, energized, and ready for anything. Past 8 out of 10, no one will ask because they can already tell, and you might start saying things like, “Why are your eyes so far apart?” to someone’s chest. At 11 out of 10, everything goes black, time stops existing, and you magically appear in new locations.
Remember, alcohol affects everyone differently. In my experience, there are three main types of drunks:
People who are just better versions of themselves. People who seem the same but can’t walk straight. People who suddenly need to: Profess their love. Pick a fight. Hook up with someone. Cry.
Regardless of whether you drink, you’ll eventually have to deal with a friend passing out. When this happens, others will either help them or draw a dick on their forehead. This is a great way to judge your friends based on what they do first and the size of the drawing.
At the end of the night, remember that alcohol dehydrates you, so it’s crucial to drink lots of water. A good strategy is to know your morning weight and drink enough water to reach that weight by night. Realistically, I often lack the presence of mind to do this, so you might find me under the shower head with my mouth open, wondering where it all went wrong.
The next morning, depending on your age and hydration, you might suffer a hangover. A hangover is your body’s way of telling you that you’re an idiot. The only cure? Hash browns. So, always drink responsibly and stock up on hash browns from Costco.
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