My dad now has liver cancer and I don’t know if I should be sad or not

For a few years now, I knew that my dad wasn’t well. He’d constantly throw up and he would be so delusional to the point where he often peed on the dining room chair or kitchen cabinets because he thought they were the bathrooms. His delusional state was only getting worse, so he lost his job.

About a year or so ago I started noticing signs of cirrhosis, and it wasn’t until months later when he was admitted to the emergency room and diagnosed with cirrhosis.

Today, I found out that he actually has liver cancer, and he’s been hiding it for a few months.

I keep going back and forth in my room from crying because I’m not ready to lose my own dad to he deserved it because no matter what people warned him about, he still chose his alcohol over everything else AND he won’t admit that it’s a problem.

It honestly breaks me so much to see him go through this, I just can’t even fathom losing him it doesn’t feel real at all. But at the same time I feel a grudge against him for how he treated us when he drank and how he doesn’t really seem to acknowledge it.

Also, because he drank a lot, he made really bad financial decisions. We used to be very financially stable, but now we are living off of many different types of government aid and he’s hundreds and thousands of dollars in debt.

I also remember on Christmas he said that he’s sorry that he couldn’t even get us any gifts for Christmas since we don’t have money. However a few days after Christmas we found out that DESPITE BEING BROKE he spent $30,000 on a woman (who was actually a male catphish) he met online.

He isn’t himself anymore. I mean yes, he’s still cheating and drinking and being his usual selfish self, but I truly believe his brain is so affected by the alcohol that he can’t even think properly now.

I just graduated high school and I’m worried that I have to help out my family’s financial situation in any way that I can and pay for my own car and college when I finish community college. I’m also distraught that my dad probably won’t even be here to see all the plans I used to talk about with him come to fruition. I’m scared for him because he clearly lived a selfish and sad life so if there is an afterlife I don’t know if it will treat him well. And I’m really sad for my little brother since he’s becoming a sophomore in high school and I don’t want this to ruin him while he’s still so young.

That’s why I can’t decide whether I’m sad for my dad or angry at him because although he did pay the bills and was present my entire life, this is all kind of his fault…