Extreme phobia of alcohol

Hi everyone. I need some advice, i’m not too sure what to do. Might be a bit of a long post. For reference, i’m 24M from Sydney, Australia.

Growing up, my parents weren’t great people. My dad cheated on my mum on several occasions, and was not home too much (worked a 2-3hr drive away, left the house at 6am, got back at 10pm), but my mum was by far the worst. She used alcohol & drugs a lot. She did awful things when she was drunk & on drugs (99% of the time from when I was 10-15)

I ran away from home at 15 years old. Homeless for a while. Anyway, I landed a job and moved on with life.

I’ve always had an extreme phobia of alcohol and drugs for obvious reasons. And when I say extreme, I mean extreme. If someone I care about drinks alcohol, I have panic attacks, often to the point of fainting. It doesn’t bother me when it’s someone I don’t know or don’t care about personally, but only when it’s someone like a partner I care about. Goes without saying i’ve never had any alcohol (not even a sip) and i’ve never done drugs. I don’t even drink coffee or energy drinks.

My current partner (20F) of 1.5yrs did a lot of underage drinking, and still did drink a bit when I met her (not much though). However, she was completely ok with me not drinking etc. She didn’t actually realise the extent of my phobia though.

On our first holiday together about a year ago, I was trying to not let my phobia of alcohol get in the way when she ordered a cocktail. I was able to supress my panic attacks at the time when we were in the restaurant, but when back at the hotel, I could still smell it on her breath and had a massive panic attack. I just left the hotel and went for a run (I do that to clear my head). I was gone for approximately 2hrs. I left the hotel because I didn’t want to freak her out and make her feel bad. She was worried about me anyway. She hasn’t had a drink since.

Fast forward to about 6 months later. We were just casually talking and the topic of alcohol got brought up. She mentioned that orange juice has alcohol in it (yes, I know it’s a tiny miniscule amount). It used to be one of my favourite drinks, but ever since then, I have panic attacks even thinking about drinking it again.

This weekend (Saturday) we were talking about it, and I let slip that even her drinking things with trace amounts of alcohol scare me and I have mini panic attacks (things like juice, lemon lime & bitters etc).

She felt betrayed that i’d lied to her, because I hadn’t told her that it did. I already felt guilty that it was my fault and I felt that I was an abusive boyfriend because she didn’t drink alcohol because of me, and I didn’t want to feel even more so like this.

She basically brought up a dealbreaker. She was completely fine with me not drinking ever, but she wanted me to go to a psychologist to get help.

I have been to many in the past for my trauma with my mum, spend thousands of dollars and they’ve taught me all the coping mechanisms, but nothing helps. The only other thing they’ve been able to do is to medicate me which doesn’t help at all considering that literally is part of my phobia.

In short, my actual phobias/fears are: 1) Chemicals changing/altering the way my brain thinks (same with any things like coffee, energy drinks, medication like panadol/neurofen etc) 2) The fact that i’ll end up like my mother 3) The fact that once i’ve tried drinking I can’t just “flip a switch” and turn it off again. I’ll have to deal with hours and hours for the alcohol to absorb etc.

I did however agree to trying orange juice again. She used an online calculator to calculate that 30ml of orange juice at worst case would take 5 minutes to absorb the alcohol into my system. Rationally, I know that it’s such a small amount that obviously I wouldn’t feel it, but my mind just doesn’t go there in the time. Anyway, I tried it with a lot of freaking out, and was having panick attacks for 10-15 minutes straight followed by multiple fainting spells. (For the record, I have 2 types of fainting. Where I actually faint, as well as PNES seizures).

However, after all that, it really didn’t help me at all. I think it just opened a can of worms about alcohol, and if anything, made it even worse.

I was in a state of depression for the next 24-36hrs and didn’t really get out of bed, and was talking to my partner. I am just so scared by it all.

I was thinking that if I finally conquered my fear of alcohol by actually drinking alcohol this would all be over and I could not freak out as much. So she posed several ideas, and ultimately I needed to make the decision:

Keep trying more and more amounts of orange juice and gradually work up to things like vanilla essence in cake, etc Have a tiny sip (10ml) of something with little alcohol like a vodka cruiser etc so I don’t feel the effects Go hard and have 3x shots or something so I feel small effects.

I was in a panic for about 12 hours but eventually decided option 3. We went to the liquor store and she bought a small bottle of vodka. The plan was for me to just get it over and done with so I wouldn’t freak out as much. Once we got home she opened the bottle and joked about how i’d probably pass out from the smell (and then I literally did). Long story short, panic and anxiety attacks ensued and I backed out.

It’s the next morning as i’m writing this and I just feel numb. I feel depressed, unable to function. I just don’t know what to do. I didn’t go through with it but I wanted to, still want to, just scared, anxious and feel numb.

I won’t see my partner for 3 days but will be spending the weekend with her. The bottle is still at her place so I have time to think.

What should I do? I want my fear to stop crippling my life but it’s just so overwhelming.

TIA. Sorry for the long post. There’s probably things I wanted to say but forgot to. If you have any questions I will try to answer them.