Memories are hardest

Some memories can just wreck you mentally. I relapsed again because some memories just make me weak like spagetthi. I just dont care about nothing anymore. I feel so lonely and I know it wont change. I had a suicidal period I also know I dont have it in me so thats never gonna happen. Im gonna be one of those people thatll grow old with regrets and alone. Those moments I fail to rationalise properly. I dont see what I could do to maybe change that. My dad would say; if a fart sits wrong with you, you drink. But I relapsed and the shitry thing about relapsed is, that every time Im high again I think; God yes, that was so worth the wait. I can remember vividly my last drug high. Im now drunk but being drunk is just filler for being high lets be real. I can not wait dude. I dont steal. I work so I have to save but when I finally have enough dude I know Im gonna be in heaven again.