I have a drinking problem

Hey guys! So basically for the past at least two years? Going on 3? I don’t know. I’ve been an extreme binge drinker. And very quickly after I started it became a habit. I started out getting a handle a week and drinking 5 days a week because that’s all a handle would last me on my own. So I’d take two days throughout the week off and be extremely sickly hungover. Overtime it got to the point of my drinking full bottles a night (full liter). I’ve made lots of bad decisions and harmed lots of relationships. Eventually I got to the point where I got so used to feeling drunk that I could drink as much as I wanted and not get sick and still act/function “normally”. No one could tell I was drunk anymore (unless I smelled) I’ve drank at work, before driving, in public, smuggled it places, drank in the mornings. All of that awful behavior. When I drink excessively during the night I will often wake up and get drunk again to avoid feeling sick and hungover. Then I started getting fun symptoms like racing heart, tingling in feet, painful diarrhea daily, burning esophagus, chapped lips. Anyway I’m literally killing myself. A few weeks ago I went sober. Weaned myself off because I was scared of seizures because of my meds but I was fully sober for 3 weeks. I think the most disappointing part was that I felt mostly the same. Low energy, depressed, etc. nothing changed. I wasn’t hungover anymore but I wasn’t feeling very different either. Over the holidays I got back into it. Binge drank from Christmas to New Years. And now I’m coming down again. Goal is to be sober until my 21st (yeah, might be shocking how young I am, whatever) when I stop drinking I stop sleeping. I get night terrors and sweat all night. And more diarrhea still. I just wish I never did this to myself. I know I should be sober for good but I’m so young and I have so much more fun that I want to have while I can. I’ve tricked my brain into permanently wanting to get blackout. I don’t ever even feel drunk anymore until I’m shitfaced, even then it’s not nearly the same. I’ll never be able to have just a few drinks and get goofy and silly. And I want that. I’ve ruined it for myself. So I’ve already gone through withdrawals from it multiple times at this point and I don’t want to do it again. I know I’m killing myself but I guess I’ll do anything for a little fun and relief from my head. I know after my 21st I’ll just have to stop drinking again. But it’s hard enough to think about going 7 months without it. I have never been a happy person. I’ve always struggled and after I moved and lost everything I covered up the pain with alcohol. I used it as a crutch. But I wish I was someone else. Someone who naturally felt happy and healthy already and could have some self control. As it is I’ve always felt like shit. I know there’s something seriously fucking wrong with me and it’s started far before my drinking but at least when I’m drunk I can’t think about anything. Anyway it’s day 3 of my not drinking so I’m just up unable to sleep writing about this. I just feel so alone because I don’t know anyone else who struggles with this like I do. So maybe if you’re reading this and you can relate we can talk to each other about it