Feel like I’m missing out on life without alcohol

After ~6 years of heavy drinking (college -> post-grad), I finally made it to AA. I have alcoholism running on my dad’s side of the family and severe anxiety/depression (which I only started to treat with therapy and a psychiatrist around the same time I started drinking heavily). I started drinking to alleviate some of my social anxiety but as years went by, I was pregaming and drinking heavily and ended up in the hospital 4 times for alcohol poisoning. When I got a job post-grad, in the midst of COVID, I was working remotely and the job entailed lots of client relations (not my field, I studied business & IT) so you can see how I justified drinking during the job with my social anxiety. I left the job a year ago and have had time to work on myself, by not drinking as much (only going out MAYBE 2x a month, heavily drinking) and doing the things I enjoy. Most of the year I’ve been sleeping a ton and applying to jobs. Although I decreased my alcohol intake, I was now laying in bed until 2 PM and after months of no success, I started only feeling motivated to keep applying with drinks in my hand. I’m now ~3 weeks dry and started AA last week as I realized too little too late that it’s probably the reason why I’m sleepy all the time to the point where I have to decide between taking a shower or taking my dog for a walk.

I’ve gone to 3 meetings and I’ll go early to mingle with others. I say hi to the few I’ve met then sit down in the front where the leader has been saving a spot for me. If I could, I would pregame the meetings, going up to people and introducing myself.

Between each meeting, I say to myself, “this is unfair, I wanna be drinking like everyone else,” “I wish I could just maintain the amount of drinks I take so I can go out and have fun, “Am I even addicted? I haven’t touched a drink at home or at the 2 dinners I’ve been out to!” I’m naturally an introvert and public speaking/big groups are my biggest fears. I also have been hearing lots of, “you’ll have the most fun that you didn’t even know existed without alc” and I tell myself that I didn’t drink until 19 years old and before that, I felt I was stagnant, introverted and insecure as ever. Alcohol fixed that.

Ever since I started AA, I’ve canceled 4 fun plans and it didn’t make me feel good. I feel flaklier than ever, intense FOMO, and fear that I’m just going to stay in my shell like I did in high school. I spoke with my therapist yesterday and she helped me shoot down those thoughts and told me to keep going to the meetings as maintenance. You don’t go to the gym once a month and workout intensely and expect results; you have to maintain that regimen. It’s ok to be canceling plans, to be alone. You’re not ostracizing or isolating yourself. But here am I again, a day later, thinking about all the fun I could be having out with my friends, potentially meeting a cute guy, feeling confident and not overthinking my words and actions too much.

To sum it up, my biggest concern is that what if what I’m doing right now just gets me back to how I was in high school, shy and not taking opportunities, insecure, etc, and at the end, end up regretting the fun, experiences, opportunities, and relationships I could be missing out right now? With alcohol, it breaks the ice and I don’t have to be as guarded (for example) the second time I go out with those new friends/guy even when sober?

Sorry this was all over the place. Just needed some advice from people who might be going through similar things