i think im getting into something really bad with all this, 16 ruining my life

2 months until im 17 and im already ruining myself, jesus christ. Broke as hell cause i spend everything i have on vodka, 2-3 shots in the morning before or after school, maybe another 2 in the mid day, 4-5+ to be able to sleep, really just drink until i cant keep my eyes open, maybe throw up from the stress, i only recently started counting, its harder to tell, i used to just get four loko and drink half a can each time to get drunk but this seemed more affordable.

Im not sure. 750ml of 25 percent vodka in 4 days, really stretching it out. I just got a full liter of 35,5%, lets see if something changes, i see myself leaving the store and i dont know what im doing i just do it.

Either way its finantial ruin. Im 99 pounds, it doesnt take a lot, i havent been eating enough, im lightheaded, sometimes i make myself throw up so i wont have food in my stomach to keep the alcohol from absorbing or whatever.

My mind is sick, i cant tell anyone, this is the only way out but its a gateway to something else, im not sure if i really care, its the best i can do for myself, everytime i drink i cant stop thinking i hate this, i dont want to do this, and then i do it, and i do stupid things and i feel like dying when i wake up.

Im nothing but a freak and a mistake of god.

People keep saying ive gotten too agressive and unbearable and i just cant control myself and its like this is bringing something ive repressed for years, they will never understand, i just cant stand putting up with anything anymore, i feel like an animal, a caged one, beaten and abused.

Started for fun, got back into it to cope with “momentarily” stress and get me to get something done and i just cant go back, when i feel i feel too strong and i hurt myself and others but when i drink im too numb to even get up and its so good, i still hurt myself, worse even, i dont care cause i cant feel it, its the best when i bleed and see the dents on the walls, all i feel is alcohol burning my throat. I will destroy what no one can love. I cant feel my face. Im tired, and drunk, idk of this will stay up i just need to get it out, i hate myself for this and what my life has come to be because of it. Im not sure if i will make it to 17, i dont plan to, if i do then not to 18, no one will stay with me until it, this is all i have, really all i ever will, my only trustful companion.