Does anyone else feel the satisfaction of being drunk like finally you can live without caring about useless shit

All the drugs i take almost ritually, its like a part of me, if i just went straight edge, stone cold sober for the rest of my life, that’s not even a question it would be more likely 10x better or fulfilling, or meaningful. Id probably not just be pushed off like trying to my own “home” or “place” at 26 goddamn years old,

I just live with aunt and grandma (who i both love very much)

But Like there’s 18 year olds with their own place and crazy money, who actually dont live in bloody shadows like some shameful hunchback of stagnance or utilitarian miscreant, but do something that works and doesn’t harm people. Or like actually have a wife and kids. I just don’t want to turn thirty and be me now. But I probably will

My tiny mind, has the power and say so over and over and over, if i Dont do something else ill be alone now forever

Like back then, the like first 17 years of my life i had not even one drop of paint into the bucket, of whatever fucked up metaphor i can imagine or whatever, its just me and my mind that’s intimate to me maybe a little pathetically when i feel like im unhappy