I feel I can’t do anything without it

Where I want to be will take several more years of therapy but alcohol has been my cheat sheet to a persona I can’t build up on my own. I have been abused to the point I am shy, timid and fearful but when I got it in my system I can approach the most intimidating person and have this false charisma talk them into anything I want part of it is a spirit I summon but the spirit is tricky I can’t control it and it does what it wants once I let it take control. It’s like “You summoned me I’m here, I’ll get the job done but you do not control what I do and how I do it” I sound crazy but it’s a masculine spirit but he got an attitude but gets me what I want.