Think I’m an alcoholic

I think I fucked up. I’m drinking a lot, and my friends recognize this. They’re worried about me, and although I’ve been able to hold off against their worries and maybe lie a little bit I know I’ve kind of lied. I’m probably going to lose all of my friends I can’t stop. I don’t think drinking is even fun anymore it’s kind of something I just use to be less depressed and less inhibited.

I want to use SSRIs to be less depressed but my mom has made me scared of them, because she has told me multiple times that SSRIs made her hallucinate, and even if they didn’t make me hallucinate I’d be fucked because I’d be in my head every time when I took one because I have too much anxiety.

Now because I’m trying to find a new job I’ve been using alcohol a lot to help me be less depressed. I would use weed, but even that they seem to have a problem with. I don’t know what to say I think I’m messed up. I think I’m on a path where I’m a functional alcoholic, but I’m probably at some point just going to do something horrible to my self and I just wish I was gone.

There are so many things that make me depressed but all the therapists I’ve had haven’t really helped, and talking to my mom doesn’t help, because all she does is compare my depression and PTSD to her own and mine is always less than heres. Although I keep getting transported back to a point when I was kid when my dad was walking to the back of the house with a gun and I walked in from school to my mom sobbing on the bed.

Among other things. I can’t take it. I need something to take me out of my head sometimes. I wish I didn’t.