I fucking hate myself

Alcohol ruined our 1 year relationship. I got too crazy, I didn’t control my anger. I didn’t find therapy in time. She’s gone. I live with her. She’s living with her friend for 2 months now. I’ve been alone here for 2 months almost 3 now I think I forgot. I’ve abused lsd, shrooms, alcohol, weed, should I go deeper to feel what I used to feel when I was with her?

We were both toxic. She broke contact, I spiraled again. I’m down idk shots, I have work tomorrow. Lol I’m spiraling and all I can do is write down notes on my stupid fucking notebook I bought for my thoughts. I’ve been putting notes in front of her door hoping she would change her mind.

It’s over I know, no need to tell me twice. I need to get out of here. I have to wait until August to move. My life is a nightmare, 12 hour shifts is what keeps me from killing myself any further.

I’m apologize for anyone who has to read such negativity.