Here’s the thing

I’m 25 years old (F).I lived a fairly sheltered/babied life as a kid/teenager. I knew from my first drink at 15, as soon as it hit I thought “this was a bad mistake, this will catch up to me sooner or later”. I understand that alcoholism and addiction run through genes. Here I am, 25. I never could shake the feeling of freedom that alcohol gives me. Sometimes I lash out and say really concerning things but for the most part, I’m just using it to get through the day or night. I can’t see myself without it. Last year, I went through detox at a hospital, it took 6 days and a double dose of Ativan every 4 hours to stable me. From 2020 to 2024 I drank about a fifth of vodka or tequila a day. After rehab, I drank about a pint every 5 out of 7 days a week. But it’s starting to be too little to feel. Believe me, I want to stop. Thinking of alcohol makes me physically sick, the thought of swallowing it and chasing it with whatever makes me want to puke. But I can’t stop. Honestly, what do I do? Therapy doesn’t work. I can manipulate my way into anything. I never know when I’m telling the truth anymore. I get the shakes whenever I have a hangover or go more than 40 hours without. Part of me wants help, part of me knows I won’t allow it. I’m destroying myself. I don’t want cirrhosis, I don’t want health issues. But I can’t fucking stop. It’s the only thing that makes me feel normal, okay, calm. Honestly, harshly, what the fuck do I do?