Whatever happened to the drinks that tasted like Kool-Aid and poor decisions?

Serious question: where did all the fluorescent, barely-alcoholic, fruit-slap-in-the-face drinks go?

I’m talking about the legendary wine coolers of the ’90s and early 2000s the ones that tasted like Capri Sun mixed with teenage rebellion.

Lately all I see are hard seltzers that taste like static and regret. Cider’s cool, but I’m chasing that nostalgic, “this is barely booze but I’m vibing” energy.

Seagram’s Escapes is hanging on, bless them, but surely there’s more out there? I want my drink to taste like a melted popsicle that might get me tipsy.

Recommendations welcome. Bonus points if it comes in neon colors and makes me feel like I’m skipping 4th period gym class again.