first full on blackout a couple nights ago

i’ve had a complicated relationship with alcohol since i started college. for most of my freshman year i barely drank, but then it became an almost daily thing around the tail-end. the biggest issue i had was when i drank 18 white claws an drunk flirted with a guy even though im in a relationship. come summer i only occasionally drink in light quantities, but a couple nights ago was different. i got my hands on some valium—90mgs— and a decent amount of alcohol. i have maybe two memories, and “memories” is a strong word. all i know is i drove myself to one of my friends’ house, drove myself to a different friend’s house, then was driven home by my friend. i have omitted no details. i have no images besides those, no events, no nothing. it’s a little terrifying. i had terrible rebound anxiety last night and im still recovering a bit. i just feel like you guys might understand the emotions im having here.