Alcohol /Adultery/Help

I have been struggling with alcohol for a while before I met my boyfriend (now x),I can’t speak highly enough of him. A few weeks into our newly found relationship my drinking worsened and I drunkenly invited another boy I’d previous seen over to my house.We were both drunk and made a mistake.Originally the new lad as well as most around me told me not to tell my boyfriend as they knew my battles with addiction and it would just harm what blossomed into an amazing relationship -until I told him . I had started drinking more heavily as a result of the guilt ,the more our relationship grew the more my guilt and drinking worsened. 6 months in ,I finally told him whilst drunk. He left but after a week forgave me ,things seemed like they could work. I was still struggling further with my alcohol ,missing work etc. I’d planned a night just for him (etc.dinner,decorations,nice activities at my home). I’d managed to keep my drinking to a manageable point all week however I felt he seemed distant.It got to Friday and he was out with his friends and my anxiety took over once more ,my mind convinced me he would cheat on me like I did him (even though he really showed no signs of this )….i drank HEAVILY.The next day I didn’t want to leave bed ,the hangover caused me to drink more and I had no motivation to clean the house or decorate or cook.I was off with him because I felt off in myself.I eventually got myself out of bed but had been drinking all day,I knew he would notice but tried my best to conceal it with a cocktail making night.He was distant ,as he became quieter I pushed for why he was being so distant…he eventually wanted to sleep but I wanted answers ,he eventually left and broke up with me saying it was too much and he was now emotionally unavailable.I became miserable ,I again didn’t attend work all week ,adding to my depression ,couldn’t eat or sleep I felt sick to my stomach I had pushed him away so stupidly. I called him multiple times but to no avail and went through so many emotions made worse by my drinking and lack of sleep and anxiety and panic and missing him. I eventually had enough of my own behaviour and by the Thursday I went to seek help ,I referred myself to my local alcohol recovery centre ,have started therapy and have so far been to four AA meetings.i kept updating him of this progress however he remains ‘emotionally unavailable and is moving on ‘ He said he wished me the best and has only not blocked me because he worries about me but can not be there for me anymore. I feel so heart broken as i do love him I just let my addiction win and I know now I need the help. I’ve been consistent so far and aim to be consistent for as long as it takes to get well. I just don’t know how he will ever see the improvement and change if we are not in contact and space is given.Im so scared that in a few months time when I have remained consistent and can say I have been sober for longevity that he will of moved on . The shame and guilt I feel for upsetting him with my addiction is so deep and I just want to make it up to him. I know I now need to give him space after some good advice from a member of AA however I’m terrified that when I achieve consistency ,happiness in myself and sobriety fully that he won’t be there. I thought about in a few months maybe reaching out and sending a letter when I can prove my words of trying with action but I’m scared he will be long gone. Has anyone else had this happen ? How did you handle this ? Has anyone’s relationships broken by their addiction ever managed to return. As I say he is ‘emotionally done ,he said his not ready to move on and wants to be on his own ,but I don’t know how long that will last .

I am really struggling with the guilt of what I’ve done and loss of such a genuinely nice boy (I’ve not had nice boys in the past ). I’m struggling to come to terms with maybe never having him back in my life and not being able to reach out to now they finally honour his wishes when I’m now finally at the point of trying to be better and help myself.