Why am I still sick and no life everything is gone vanished I’m 21mths sober, is this some sort of cruel test!

Ice posted here before, I’m 21mths sober but still rock bottom like you wouldn’t believe, I drunk to much yes but I definitely didn’t think all this would be happening to me, tube fed. Innafective swallowing over 90%, innafective osphogus motility, achalasia, bile reflux, chronic gastritis,

I have gastritis induced by alcholo but gastritis isnt to bad, l and so many health problems still I’m 22mths sober I’m tube fed, I jsvr no life. I have dysfunctional osphogus diagnosed weak les ues motility problems dysphagia innafective swallowing 90% i was ok for 2yrs after momentary test but I found myself drinking on and off till end of October 23 in I drunk excessively after 3mths break and I would drink excessively few times in between 4 5 6 mths bresk but now I’m 12mths sober and my health is totally destroyed even though 22mths sober, endoscopy said mild chronic gastritis but for 6mths I’ve been getting constant regurgitation of liquid no heartburn it’s hell, I don’t eat lost 15kgs in 3mths, I’m now 35kgs , been to drs emergency ct scans thinking I have hh but need barium swallow and another momentary, I’ve lost everything including family health life cause of alcholol even though 22mths sober I’m spending Christmas alone I hsve for 2 yts I guess but before since kid I’ve had great Christmases but since alcholol took over I’m bow paying the price it seems I can’t seem to relize why, this time 5yrs ago I Waa with my son Christmas Easter birthday shopping listening to music now I’m in hell hole every one around me r living there best lives even ones that were more heavily drinking they r living best lives I don’t get it, I need barium swallow and momentary but I’m to sick to go. I’ll need surgery on les to stop this 24 7 liquid coming while chewing swallowing and 24 7 after to stop it from happening life is hell I don’t know how it got to this. I’ve been sober and moving into nice looking shared homes but only to been abused by the lease owners they r old men one Waa young lease owner but 3 different homes they were abusing me and I left to escape to live in my car to only drink so I could drown my sorrows and I had to leave to then go into another abusive relationship I met him 2 times biggest mistake was to move in with him 3 wks later I escaped to come to live in lady lease owner safe now for 12mths no alcohol but I’m paying the price Like u wouldn’t believe go figure , I thought been sober, 21mths I’d be ok. I’ve lost everything I can’t help but think how did it get to this , why am I basically a vegetable

So many times I remember taking my son to fun parks holidays the club restaurants holidays multiple times yr for 9yrs to this a non functioning mum that can’t function eat breathe cook clean go out socialize I just don’t understand

The constant regurgitation liquid coming 24 7 while chewing swallowing 24 7 after doesn’t stop, I weigh 36kgs, spondylosis C3-4, 4-5 and 5-6 with segmental kyphosis at C4-5 and disc space narrowing at C3-4 4-5 and 5-6. Stenosis in canal, reversed cervical spine, cervical mylopathy. I can’t tske this life anymore, constant agony 24 7.

I sit in my bed till 9pm as I can’t do anything else, my neck is fused locked can’t rotate it whatsoever, how can alcholol do this to u I don’t understand it,

By been sober for 21mths you’d think all hard work has paid off but no it’s opposite. My life and health is completely destroyed. Remember so many times I’d take son to beautiful shopping ctre with the play area talk to everyone I know at the shops to. Just did normal mum things to this nothing makes sense.