I guess I’ll post it here too

So this is gonna be alot

So exactly January 31st 2023, i was sent to a rebab by force kind of. My friend who we will name Shenny who works for an airline set my drunk ass up with some random guy I’ve never even heard of. I was drunk as shit from the night over and sent her some credentials it wasnt in my intention to be hoisted from my life. I went into work expecting just another drunk day, but was immediately interrupted by the shreeking calls of shenny. Unfortunately i had no spine and just went to her and next thing i know im on the phone and then one of my friends drives to my apartment even though the whole ride im trying to get out of the situation by the only means i know how, which is acting stupid.

So we get there, my friend tells me not to tell my mom at all what is going on so i did that somehow but i could tell she knew something was up, even after that she still went on and went to a bar she visited almost every single week if not more. So i end up talking her into leaving after lying to her, telling her i ended up getting sent home and no other explanation besides that, once she left it i thought the worst was over but it wasnt.

So i ended up being called by the rehab facility, they asked me what was wrong and why this was such a problem and i told them from the heart that ive got a depressive disorder, i only drink so hopefully it actually kills me but i also fear death itself so why would i choose something so slow instead of something quicker? I guess i still dont have an answer..

Regardless, i talked to this person and at the same time was packing up and then finally left, got transported back to the airport so i could say my goodbyes and get picked up by an uber that would last me about 4 hours.

I end up at this rehab and it was like a koi fish in a mercury filled pond mixed with a very small few exotic fish and of course the bigger fish didnt know to how to interact with the smaller fish, it was the medium sized fish that tried to teach them how to swim but even that didnt work sometimes.

I kept getting told i was gonna be out over and over until it finally did happen after a month, and i didnt learn anything except people become stir crazy and that there are far worse addictions than that of my own

After leaving said place i was put into a “wellness treatment center” as they called it and it was definitely a lot more free than i guess rehab.. i was staying at a two story house that was being rented off by the company and they would take us to places, i wouldnt say it was a bad time but i learned a lot about myself in this timeframe.

I finally came back to “home” if you want to call it that.. i came back and because i was gone i was expected to pay most of the rent and bills because my mom could not after having spent all her savings on it while i was gone.( for context she has been an alcoholic since i was literally 2, and its only gotten worse and worse since then and has been an issue throughout my life. She had a great job with an airline and then got fired because all she would want to do is drink and watch hallmark or play her facebook games)

I dont get paid much at all and it made it funnier that the job i have increased their pay but reduced hours to part time. I explained that to her once it happened but i was still expected to be paying out, that was until she lied to me and told me we were getting kicked out. It wasnt even a week until i got a concern call from the management of the apartment complex asking me why we haven’t paid rent and i told them “ i had assumed we were getting kicked out”, but that was not the case and they even tried to call my mom about it but it would go denied..

So i confronted her about it and got some obvious bullshit lies, i had already been packing my shit to my fathers house which i had adamantly for many fucking years expressed i would rather not live with again and since last august have been living here.. im more depressed than i have been before. Ive started drinking a lot more again and that’s something i didnt want to do again. Ive tried to express this to multiple people.

Ive made plenty of friends since i came back that i would consider close but im so scared of making anyone close because one doesnt listen at all about how bad i am financially still, one is autistic i cant ask him to do anything, and the rest wont do anything more than just talk shit and then wont actually follow up with any apology.

I dont want to be mopey and i get that my friends arent always going to be around to listen to my problems, but hell even the person I consider a brother always talks about his problems like its the fucking end of the world and then the moment i say anything about my shit its like a god damn joke and he has to include my ex into it..

Basically a tldr; ive been lost for the past year and a half after being an alcoholic since i was 19 and ive tried to make things better but shitty ass parents and shitty ass friends do not really help. I’ve relapsed and dont know what to do and some advice might help idk

Also i feel like i went on a ramble because i am a bit drunk as it is right now, sorry for that..