Can no longer drink.. just venting

I had been diagnosed with cancer and hospitalized after a second surgery because the first surgery I had horribly wrong and I nearly died. I ended up bedridden and refused any kind of medication because I didnt want to get addicted, I still do even though I’m in so much pain. I came home still bedridden and 2 days later my husband collapsed and passed away. He wasn’t even sick that we know of and I hadn’t seen him for a month while in hospital. I was falling apart and on my birthday I decided to have a few drinks because I was alone and it was two days before Christmas and life sucks. I didn’t even have four cans of twisted tea over the course of a couple hours. My stomach and/or intestines ended up bleeding and passing large clots and I ended up hospitalized. Even though I knew it was stupid a few weeks ago I had one glass of wine and the same thing happened. It just pisses me off that I can’t, as grown adult, have a drink if I want to. And I’m so tempted just to do it again even though I know it’s horrible. Like I’ve had stuff sitting in the fridge since but I don’t touch it and my life is really miserable and it would be nice to just forget about it all. I lost everything and can barely afford to feed me kids and I’m under constant stress. It’s so hard to just not try to take the edge off. I just want a break from my own thoughts. I take care of my kids 24/7 by myself and they even came with me when I had surgery a few weeks ago at the hospital. I’m just venting so I don’t do anything stupid. Thank you if you read this 🩵