20 Years of Drinking it Will Never End

I don’t know if I’ve ever posted on Reddit before. I am a 38 year old male. I started drinking alcoholicly when I was 19. I literally went from hardly ever drinking to being a alcoholic in one night. I’ve always had a messed up reward system. When I was 12 I became addicted to long-distance running and physical fitness not for the desirable outcomes, but because it made me feel better all around. If I ran a half Marathon every day I’d feel “normal”. If I didn’t , I would physically and mentally be in pieces…anxiety through the roof. Also being a good runner became central to my identity because I was so freaking shy and anxious all the time it was the only way I could get peoples attention . At 19 a friend of mine bought me some malt liquor and I remember sitting in the garage drinking and thinking “I think I’m an alcoholic cause this feels so good, and I never wanna feel differently”. I never went through a denial stage at least not in the way people typically imagine them. I felt so anxious and miserable that although recognizing my addictive reaction to the alcohol, I thought well it’s better than feeling like shit, so I’m just gonna run with this and maintain my alcoholism and life at the same time. My denial was thinking I could tame the beast. Of course, that did not work and in less than four years I was no longer a functioning alcoholic. I drank so much that every time I was on a bender I would literally fall into a state of psychosis getting DUIs, assaults and 51/50’s. By the age of 25 if I stopped drinking without medical help, I would have grand mal seizures. I blew over a 0.5 on two separate occasions at a detox center and they would not admit me they just sent me straight to the hospital. There’s at least one detox center that will never admit me again because they think I’m mentally unstable which is probably true . At 28 I put together six years of sobriety by working out constantly and starting a business that consumed all my time. At 34 I fell apart again. Yikes…I’m getting really worn out from the drinking and at the same time I’m super worn out from the cross addictions that don’t involve mind altering substances. I’m tired of irrational fear and insomnia. I’m worn out from not feeling like a normal person. I’m worn out from the constant anxiety I feel without substances. I’m tired of really important relationships dissolving into memories. I’m tired of regret and I’m tired of foreseeing the future through a lens of hopelessness . I’m not a happy person, and I hardly ever feel at peace. I have to always be going to the extreme in at least one or two things. I’m not suicidal, but I am defeated, and I don’t see an end to the cycle. Last week I got sober and didn’t sleep for 72 hours. Mostly probably from withdrawal, but also just from my natural level of stress. This is not a popular opinion, but I don’t feel like humans have free will. At least I don’t. I feel like I’m compelled to engage in addictive behaviors (non chemical) or get wasted (chemically)in order to escape irrational fears that prevent me from engaging with life. Im entirely aware that there’s a whole majority out there that thinks people like me are weak. That’s dog shit. I can run a marathon averaging less than six minutes per mile, a strict Murph in less than 40 minutes, partitioned in less than 25 and I have the education and where with all to start two profitable businesses. The only reason they failed wasn’t because of my workmanship it was because I went on epic benders and ghosted all my clients so you can imagine I have to move a lot. Same can be said about romantic relationships. People like me are misunderstood. I’m trying right now to stay sober but I have a lot of doubts that’s ever gonna happen for good. I won’t stop trying until I’m dead. Addiction and mental abnormalities actually exist and they are intertwined