Want to feel drunk but trauma

So I’m a relatively heavy drinker. I drink 10+ drinks at least once each weekend and have drinks sporadically throughout the week. Although I have decreased the amount significantly since my early years in university where I was known for finishing a 26 some nights.

Now that I have made that progress decreasing the amount I drink I just feel like I never feel drunk. And it has been over a year since I decreased the amount.

I did go through a trauma related to alcohol in high school and have done a lot of therapy. Part of why I was drinking so much in university was definitely related to escaping rather then enjoying.

I was just wondering if anyone else has felt this way? I know I am for sure still getting drunk because I can see the impairment in my motor skills in the moment but it is harder to feel the euphoria I used to. I just wonder if part of me is scared of fully letting go and giving into lower inhibitions.