All I want to to w my life is drink and pill pop

So idk if I believe In mental illness. I do think it can be solved holistic, but I am diagnosed borderline, sociopath, bipolar, and panic disorder. People hear sociiopath and think we’re monsters no there are levels to it, I’m def a harmless sociopath. My upbringing was rly deranged and ugly. My whole world feels rocky and fucked all the time and I refuse the meds they give me other then benzos. I’m not nice or happy unless I have a drink or I know a drink Is coming my way. I’ve always been this way, but alcohol is killing me. Literally. I go weeks and months w o it then binge for a month at a time, and pop Benzos with it. It’s rly dangerous and scary and I upset many of my friends with this, I don’t act crazy but they know it’s a danger to my health and I feel bad for making them stress… I ordered wine instead of liquor to ween off. Ppl are surprised I’m an alcoholic/ ex drug addict bc they they think I’m pretty and healthy looking. I am. But I’m struggling. Alcohol and pills are the only two things withdrawals that can kill you